Behold the perfect algorithm!

1984, Minority Report, Black Mirror — bedtime stories compared to the horrors the UK Government publish, am I right?

I’m led to believe “Watch this space” is the latest propaganda piece from His Majesty’s Nanny State. I haven’t read past the title but according to gaming site Dexerto, YouTube lawyers read it and YouTube ain’t happy. Poor little YouTube.

The government is consulting on options, considering whether to make public service news easier to discover on sites like YouTube and TikTok, with greater prominence and with more visibility during periods of major public importance. It also seeks to discuss misinformation and online viewing habits.
YouTube urges creators to fight proposed UK algorithm changes - Matthew Benson, Dexerto

I glossed over the Dexerto article too. This whole thing is something about kids being hooked on Skibidi and not paying their ~~racketeering~~ license fee. Minecraft Let’s Plays will be spliced with a BBC impartiality report on what some fascist gammon thinks. Should the proposal become law, of course.

This is somewhat of a dilemma for a guy like me. If there’s one thing I hate more than a meddling GOV.UK, that might just be Big Tech. The thought of Google et al being ruffled warms my heart like a hot cup of tea on the summer solstice.

That was too many words on something I never read so I’ll get to the lede. I’m about to reveal the secret sauce that Big Tech has tried to suppress. The one true algorithm, which ironically might be their saviour.

SELECT p.* FROM posts p
JOIN follows f ON p.user_id = f.following_id
WHERE f.follower_id = ?
ORDER BY p.created_at DESC;

This is nerd bait. ^†

Only one parameter is required in the perfect algorithm: who I choose to follow.

'That's... why I follow them.' says a slightly puzzled Obi-Wan Kenobi, from Star Wars: Episode II – Attack of the Clones

I’m literally providing the exact data needed to curate my feed.

I know what defenders of the deceptive arts are thinking: but algorithms are proven to increase engagement! — I know, Sherlock. Do you enjoy your doomscrolling misery? Not every metric needs to be min-maxed at the expense of human health.

Modern apps sucks. Modern media sucks. Stick your “algorithm”.

^† It’s been decades since I studied SQL and database normalisation so please have mercy.

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