On Friday, I had just picked up my car after having some repairs done when I saw a man holding a sign that said he was homeless and needed help.
His name is Michael. I’ve talked to him before.
I never carry cash anymore
I basically never have any cash on me anymore, but I still wanted to help. I pulled over, reintroduced myself, and asked…
I don’t have any cash on me right now, but I’ll happily go buy you anything you want. What can I get for you?
He asked for a $6 value meal from McDonalds.
He did this last time I talked to him, too. Asked for a coffee from Dunkin’ Donuts, and wouldn’t let me get him anything more sustantial.
This time, I pushed back a bit more.
I’ll definitely get you that, but do you need anything else? A tent? Sleeping bag? Hand warmers?
The high temps have been below freezing here lately, so frost bite and hypothermia are serious concerns for unhoused folks this time of year.
Often, people begging on corners don’t want to ask for big essentials like that because they’re worried it will scare people off.
And if you offer, they’ll often say “no” at first. If I had to guess, it might feel like a trick, or be hard to trust people.
After a little back forth, Michael told me he could use a tent and hand warmers, but already had a sleeping bag.
I didn’t get far
I drove off to go buy his stuff, and literally the second I turned the corner, I saw someone else, also homeless, also asking for help.
His name is Ricky. I asked him the same thing…
I don’t have any cash on me right now, but I’ll happily go buy you anything you want. What can I get for you?
Ricky asked for a Dunkin’ Donuts gift card.
I’m happy to get you one, but do you need anything else? A tent? Sleeping bag? Hand warmers?
Turns out, Ricky needed a lot more help than he’d let on.
No blankets
Ricky and another unhoused man—a different Michael—had paired up.
They pool money and resources and look out for each other.
Michael, who I met shortly after chatting with Ricky, told me that someone had stolen all of their blankets their night before. They’d spent last night shaking from the cold, huddled for warmth.
They had a tent and hand warmers already, but that’s not enough to keep you warm in the cold New England winters.
I bought four sub-zero sleeping bags that day (I ran into another unhoused man before I go to my first stop), plus a tent and hand warmers for first Michael.
Making connections
I appreciated that I’d gotten to talk to each person for a little that day. I learned names. We got to know each other a little.
We hugged and shook hands. Personal contact is an essential human need, and a lot of unhoused folks don’t get any at all. It can have a profoundly negative effect on mental health.
I made sure to jot down a quick note with names and a few personal details about everyone I met. If I see them again, I want to remember them. I want them to know that they matter and someone cares about them.
Michael of Michael-and-Ricky gave me hug. I’m so glad I ran into them when I did.
It felt like I’d done a lot of good. It also felt like I hadn’t done nearly enough.
Some lessons and takeaways
I’d been wanting to do something like this for a while.
I was inspired from seeing videos of folks on YouTube who do this, but… that kind of content always feels so gross and exploitative.
- Filming the unhoused for content robs them of privacy and dignity.
- Asking, “What you’re story? How did you become homeless?” without it being offered up voluntarily first forces people to relive and share traumatic experiences.
- There are power dynamics between givers and receivers (who need your support to survive) that may leave them feeling like they cannot say no to questions.
I know some of those YouTubers also do a lot of good, and the social media aspect is who they raise money to do it. But holy fuck, it’s so gross. Don’t do it!
What you should do.
- Ask “what do you need?” Don’t make assumptions about what someone needs or should want.
- Offer suggestions to signal what you’re willing to give. People asking for help often won’t ask for too much because they don’t want to scare people off.
- Give without judgement. A phone, for example, may seem like a “luxury item,” but it also helps unhoused folks keep in touch with support networks, locate help, and have a way to get contacted if applying for jobs.
- Everyone deserves joy. Life on the streets is a struggle. But it’s also boring AF. First Michael told me, “the days are long,” and it made me realize how much unhoused folks must long for some kind of entertainment.
- Don’t expect enthusiasm. Many unhoused folks are tired, hungry, and cold. They’re suffering deep trauma. They’re fearful or untrusting or have mental or substance abuse issues. If they don’t seem enthusiastically grateful for your help, that’s ok! Everyone deserves to survive and and be cared for. They don’t owe you a performance in exchange for essentials.
And finally: be kind to yourself.
It feels great to help people. But sometimes, especially if they’re in a very bad way, it just feels depressing. And it never feels like enough.
It is just a drop of water in the ocean. It will not fix systemic issues.
But you made someone’s day better. Maybe just a little. Maybe just for a moment.
But you made a difference.
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